It feels like I’ve lost you, like you’re gone even though you’re still here. It looks like you and the voice is the same but it isn’t you.
It’s a shell of you, like saltless food.
Every time I see you, it’s like I’ve lost a little more and I hold my breath – will this be the time you don’t know my name, my face ?
Will this be the time you forget me ?
It hurts too much usually and I get stuck. None of this is fair, especially not for you. I want to love you well and be there for you as you navigate being lost in your own mind.
But every time I leave you, I’m weeping – mourning my sweet grandma, mourning because you didn’t ask for this, mourning because I don’t understand it
Mourning because I hate it.
I’m grateful at least that you don’t see it’s happening anymore – you’re lost in it. At least you don’t remember anymore, what it was like before. At least you’re not scared anymore, aware of the disease stealing you from yourself.
Instead, you are stuck remembering all your regrets – paranoid and lonely because you forget that we were just there, you forget that we just spoke. You forget how incredibly loved and cherished you are.
I cry even thinking of calling you, feeling guilty for not doing it more. But you won’t remember it anyway. You feel guilty, thinking you’re a burden but you don’t even know why you feel that way.
I’ve been watching a lot of cooking shows lately and I can’t help but think of you.
I remember your patience as I created madness and chaos in the kitchen, throwing recipes out the window – even though it drove you crazy.
I remember the stress of the holidays and sharing the load with you and mom to create and feed our family.
I remember the warmth of your hug and smell of your house – something was always made fresh to enjoy.
I’m sorry this happened to you, Mimi. I’m sorry you feel alone and so lost and I wish I could change it for you.
I wish I could go back and tell you it’d be okay. I wish you remembered how loved you are. I wish you knew and believed you’re not a burden.
But I can’t go back – and you probably won’t remember, no matter how many times I tell you.
But I love you.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.
I will love you when you forget my name. I will love you when you forget yours.
I will always love you and you will always be my Mimi.
