It’s hard to say what pulled me to bring this to you, finally.
Maybe it’s being stuck in quarantine, the loneliness and restlessness amplified by being trapped in someone else’s home while I wait to return to the US to do all the things I need to do. Maybe it’s the prevalence of mental health discussions because of the month’s tribute to the struggles of mental illness.
Maybe it’s simply because I want to honor myself and all of my family and friends who struggle with mental illness or has someone close to them that does. In either case, I tip my hat to you and I need you to know – I’m with you in this fight. I may not always be at my strongest, but I will bear and gnash my teeth in the face of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD – just for you.
I specifically want to talk about depression, though at this point I’m not sure what to say. I suppose it’s best to start by saying this is something I’ve fought for the majority of my life. I’ve tried medications to help remedy the imbalance of chemicals, I’ve tried the natural ways of boosting serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine with running, cycling, hugs, essential oils, eating – and sooner or later, the waves come back.
Depression is messy and extremely difficult and it looks different for every person, different in each season. Depression is crashing and crushing and poisoningly familiar. It’s a silent scream that implodes within you. It’s mind-bending agony, paralyzing fear that leaves you restless and stuck at the same time.
And it rarely looks like we expect it to. Depression still has friends, still has an occasional smile, still can enjoy moments. But for me, those moments are fleeting, the smiles surface-level ; a quick-fix, unsustainable kind of high.
